The Caregiver's Journey: Remembering the Good Times

By Marsha Kay Seff

"The Caregivers' Journey" appears here monthly. Marsha Kay Seff wrote and edited the San Diego Eldercare Directory for 10 years. She knows first-hand about the ups and downs of caregiving, as she brought her aging parents to San Diego from Miami Beach in order to look after them. Her column will discuss the challenges faced by adults in caring for their aging parents. Direct email inquiries or responses to mkseff@gmail.com.

How do you cope when your aging parents are experiencing increasingly more health issues and it looks like the end isn’t as far off as you’d hoped?

One of the best things you can do is build more memories.

As soon as my parents moved to San Diego, they landed in the hospital for hip-replacement surgery. Picture them in the matching wheelchairs they couldn’t negotiate. So I’d put Mom’s chair in front of my dad’s and ask him to push her while I pushed him.

I took Mom out Wednesdays, while Dad usually opted to remain behind. One Wednesday when I picked her up, it was pouring and I was afraid to let her out of the car. That’s when we spotted a beautiful rainbow and decided to follow it to find the pot of gold.

Another rainy day, I pulled up to the entrance of the mall and asked a complete stranger if he’d walk Mom inside while I parked the car. When I joined her, she introduced me to the kind man, explaining that he was in charge of making disabled shoppers comfortable.

Then, there are the false-teeth memories. Those teeth never did stay in her mouth, and during one restaurant visit, Mom dropped them and our waitress got down on all fours to retrieve them from under the table.

After dinner, my mother asked if I had gas. I said the food was great and so was my stomach. She said she only wanted to tell me we’d passed a low-cost gas station.

When Mom moved from her assisted facility to skilled nursing and still couldn’t maneuver her wheelchair, I gave her "driving" lessons around chairs in the courtyard. She never got the knack, but we had some good laughs.

There are two favorite memories from my mother’s last days.

Once, I asked how difficult it was to exist in a world confined to bed. She pointed out that she spent her days enjoying the sunshine and the birds outside her sliding-glass door. That was an important lesson for me.

On another visit, Mom called me by her name. "No Mom, that’s you; I’m Marsha."

Her answer: "I don’t think so; Marsha is much heavier than you are."

Yes, I’d lost weight and she noticed, even though she wasn’t convinced who I was.

I won’t pretend that caregiving was easy. But it did give me a chance to view my parents in a whole new light and make some great memories. Yes, I think we found that pot of gold.

Sponsored by Right at Home, In-Home Care & Assistance, www.rahtemecula.com, 951-506-9628, loretteoliver@rahtemecula.com. Contact Marsha Kay Seff at mkseff@gmail.com.

The Caregiver's Journey: One Can Never Have Enough Friends

By Marsha Kay Seff

"The Caregivers' Journey" appears here monthly. Marsha Kay Seff wrote and edited the San Diego Eldercare Directory for 10 years. She knows first-hand about the ups and downs of caregiving, as she brought her aging parents to San Diego from Miami Beach in order to look after them. Her column will discuss the challenges faced by adults in caring for their aging parents. Direct email inquiries or responses to mkseff@gmail.com.



My mom used to complain how difficult it was to make friends at her retirement home. Then one day, she stepped into the elevator and said hello to someone she had wanted to befriend.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Mom told her. “It looks like you’ve put on some weight.”

The woman glared at her and left the elevator without even saying good-bye. I suggested that next time, she tell the woman how great she looked.

Recently, a student in my writing class also mentioned the difficulty of making friends. He complained that not a single person had invited him to do something in the two years he’d been at the center.

I asked how many people he had invited to coffee or anything else. “None,” he answered.

Close relationships are vital to our physical, mental and emotional health. Friends provide us with companionship, conversation and caring. Unfortunately, chances are that many of your parents’ long-time friends have moved or died or simply lost touch. And social skills can get rusty after you’ve counted on the same people for decades and haven’t had to create new relationships.

If your parents sit in front of the TV all day, it’s time you encouraged them to take action. The first step is connecting with old friends.To make new friends, your folks need to overcome the idea that everyone else their age already has enough friends. Nobody does.

Your parents need to go somewhere they can meet people: a senior center, retirement-facility activities and adult-education classes. If they’re up to it, a part-time or volunteer job can provide a great opportunity to meet others. Even taking the dog for a walk will put them in contact with others.
Your parents need to learn to ignore the junior-high-type cliques and graciously ask if they can join a group.

If someone invites your parents to do something, they need to say “yes,” even if they don’t think they’ll enjoy the activity. They might end up having fun and meeting others.

Once they meet people, they need to be prepared with a topic of conversation: “What’s the best trip you even took? What do you think of the way kids dress today?”

Remind your folks that it’s important not to talk exclusively about themselves or to complain.
Offering to help a new acquaintance who is sick is a great way to spark a friendship. A simple phone call might be enough.

Your parents also need to understand that building friendships requires time, effort and patience.
If you can help your parents make just one or two good friends, you will have improved their lives – and your own as well.

Sponsored by Right at Home, In-Home Care & Assistance, www.rahtemecula.com, (951) 506-9628, loretteoliver@rahtemecula.com. Contact Marsha Kay Seff at mkseff@gmail.com.

The Caregivers' Journey: A Long and Winding Path

By Marsha Kay Seff

"The Caregivers' Journey" appears here monthly. Marsha Kay Seff wrote and edited the San Diego Eldercare Directory for 10 years. She knows first-hand about the ups and downs of caregiving, as she brought her aging parents to San Diego from Miami Beach in order to look after them. Her column will discuss the challenges faced by adults in caring for their aging parents. Direct email inquiries or responses to mkseff@gmail.com.

Becoming your parents’ parent conjures up pictures of “tangled apron strings.”

As a child, the strings seemed well-defined. You needed your parents and their role was to fulfill your needs. Now, with your parents aging and leaning increasingly on you, the apron strings are tangled, wound tightly around you.

This role reversal isn’t easy for any of you. Your parents, no doubt, are fighting furiously to cling to their dignity and independence. And you’re pulled between the demands of your life and theirs.

Your parents will always think of you as their child. And taking directions from their child is bound to rub them the wrong way, at least some of the time. Neither is it easy to become the conductor of your parents’ later life.

Sometimes, you overstep your boundaries; often, they fight back. But if you act lovingly, you can’t go too far wrong.

You’ll probably end up taking over your parents’ shopping, finances and medical decisions gradually. The biggest mistake you can make is waiting until a crisis to make changes.

The trick is to help steer your parents in the right direction without steamrolling them, suggesting – not demanding.

I used to give my mom choices, so she could help make the decisions.

“Mom, shall we install a shower seat or would a walk-in tub be better?”

It’s not uncommon for aging parents to be less concerned about their safety than you are. The experts say we need to respect our parents’ wishes as much as possible, as long as they’re not endangering anyone else.

But I knew if they got hurt or sick, I was the one who was going to have to nurse them, so I was too strict sometimes.

I try not to beat myself up about my mistakes. because I know I did the best I could. Even so, if I had it to do over, I would have done some things differently. I regret that I refused to give my dad his wallet and some cash when he was in a skilled-nursing facility, because he didn’t need money and I was afraid if would be stolen. It probably would have. But so what?
It was a small expense in order to allow Dad to claim a little independence.

You’ll make mistakes, too. The knots in the apron strings will become tighter. But all you can do is what seems best at the time.


Sponsored by Right at Home, In-Home Care & Assistance, www.rahtemecula.com, (951) 506-9628, loretteoliver@rahtemecula.com. Contact Marsha Kay Seff at mkseff@gmail.com.

The Caregivers' Journey: For Your Sake, Set Boundaries

By Marsha Kay Seff

"The Caregivers' Journey" appears here monthly. Marsha Kay Seff wrote and edited the San Diego Eldercare Directory for 10 years. She knows first-hand about the ups and downs of caregiving, as she brought her aging parents to San Diego from Miami Beach in order to look after them. Her column will discuss the challenges faced by adults in caring for their aging parents. Direct email inquiries or responses to mkseff@gmail.com.

Take a deep breath and buckle your seat belt. You’re a caregiver: Sure you feel overwhelmed. It goes with the job; there’s not a family caregiver around who doesn’t feel stressed to the max – a lot of the time.

Caregiving is a rollercoaster. You go up and you go down, sometimes at virtually the same time. So buckle up and try to enjoy the best parts of the ride. An important way to prepare for this journey is to set boundaries.

You might not want to; you might believe you can do it all, and you might feel guilty if you can’t. But you have to try. Because if you don’t set limits, you’re going to reach yours before too long. And then, you won’t be any help to your loved ones.

Though I didn’t always stick to my boundaries, I always made the attempt. I phoned my parents at their retirement home five days a week. I saw them for dinner and shopping on Wednesdays. I’d put out big fires as needed, but I tried to wait on the little ones that often died out by themselves by the following day.

I didn’t phone my parents on weekends and asked them not to call me then "unless you’re dead, and, then, think twice before dialing." When I went on vacation, I left my sister in charge and I did not leave a phone number.

My parents knew about all the boundaries I set and respected them.

It’s tough saying "no," but you need to learn. You can’t be responsible for every aspect of your loved ones’ care and it’s not your responsibility or even in your power to make them happy. You can’t do it all, no matter how hard you try.

You need to get over rationalizing that no one else can care for your loved ones as well as you. That might be true, but it’s not worth losing yourself in the process.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If your family or friends ask what they can do, don’t be shy. Tell them. Helping you is a gift they might enjoy giving.

Caregivers live their daily lives very close to their boundaries. But if you recognize them and believe it’s OK to set them, life will be more manageable.

As a caregiver, taking the time to renew yourself is imperative. Don’t be afraid to do it.

Sponsored by Right at Home, In-Home Care & Assistance, www.rahtemecula.com, (951) 506-9628, loretteoliver@rahtemecula.com. Contact Marsha Kay Seff at mkseff@gmail.com.

The Caregivers' Journey: Go Ahead, Toot Your Horn

By Marsha Kay Seff

"The Caregivers' Journey" will appear here monthly. Marsha Kay Seff wrote and edited the San Diego Eldercare Directory for 10 years. She knows first-hand about the ups and downs of caregiving, as she brought her aging parents to San Diego from Miami Beach in order to look after them. Her column will discuss the challenges faced by adults in caring for their aging parents. Direct email inquiries or responses to mkseff@gmail.com.

As a caregiver, having a big mouth is an asset. If you don’t already have one, you might want to develop one. Because opening your mouth – shouting until someone hears what you’re saying – is one of the biggest parts of being a caregiver.

You are your parents’ advocate now. When they’re too ill to speak for themselves or can’t recall what they wanted to say, you need to speak up.

That doesn’t mean you ignore their wishes. Understanding what they want is the first step in getting what they need. Unfortunately, too many people, including their own doctors, write off all older folks as being daffy. When the world ignores your loved ones, you need to remind people that older folks need to be treated with respect.

After years of talking to one of my mother’s doctors on the phone, I finally met him in person. He walked into the office, shook my hand and looked perplexed. "I thought you were much taller," he said.

Yes, I speak a lot louder than my 4-foot-11 stature.

As a dutiful daughter, it seemed I was always advocating for my aging parents. They weren’t even off the plane from their home in Miami Beach to San Diego, where I’d found them a retirement home, when I had to put on my advocate’s hat.

After waiting more than an hour for their plane to pull up to the gate (that was before airport security was tightened), I asked someone what the delay was. He said my parents’ plane couldn’t get in until another plane pulled out. So I simply informed the gate agent that there were two sick people on the inbound plane, that he would have to tell the other plane to pull back. He did. When I climbed aboard to retrieve my parents, the captain asked if I’d had anything to do with the arrangements – and thanked me.

When someone at mom’s health insurance company refused to talk to me on the phone about my mother’s bill, which I’d always paid, I hung up and redialed – and introduced myself as my mother. I got what I needed.

I learned to work around a lot of things during the 12 years I was my parents’ dutiful daughter, their best friend and their liaison with a not-always-receptive world.

Sponsored by Right at Home, In-Home Care & Assistance, www.rahtemecula.com, (951) 506-9628, loretteoliver@rahtemecula.com. Contact Marsha Kay Seff at mkseff@gmail.com.